I met this girl last year in June as she worked at a coffee shop and I really thought she was pretty. In my mind I had always wanted to do anything with a girl I really liked the right way. I kept going back to this coffee shop super consistently just to see this girl and from the 3rd visit it had felt like our feeling may have been mutual. Every time I’d go there, it only had felt better and better. I finally added this girl on Instagram cause there was no other way and asking for her socials while she was working is not respectful in my opinion. We finally started talking on July 25 2025. Our conversations were absolutely beautiful. Her personality was what I always wanted in my partner; however, i had set my intentions clear from the beginning of wanting to marry her after we had finally confessed our feelings on August 7 2025. After I said something she said she had felt the same way etc. I’m gonna get into it more as I tell you that we’ve been talking for a year now almost and have technically been in a haram relationship and have committed sins that we shouldn’t have committed and as to why I think we have had so many unreasonable problems. Even though we had tried to many times to stop talking, to go no contact until parents are involved it has always felt so difficult to do it because, it being my fault and hers we had caught extreme amounts of feelings. However, I started getting some trust issues because she was going to Champaign for college and I was staying back for community college. I had accidently seen something from her past in her phone which she first had lied about and said that it wasn’t a guy but months later had confessed that she felt extremely horrible for lying but she didn’t know what to do bc it was her past and didn’t want me to leave. So i let it go. As it’s her to right to not speak up about the past. However as my trust issues got bigger and bigger. I started asking more questions. Which is once again our fault as I believe for being in a haram relationship. However, let me cut to the chase. Slowly she would mention this one other guy (different from the one I saw in the picture, he was from senior year of high school) and she said this guy had been there before she had started texting me for maybe about 2 weeks she says. However every time the story got deeper and eventually she had told me a lot which I had felt bad for. First she had told me that the guy wouldn’t stop messaging her after we had started talking, he showed up to her college as soon as she started, and that story always got to as far as that she ended up seeing him that day that he came to Champaign bc she just wanted to talk to him and let him know she’s good once again. Bc she says 3 days into meeting that guy she had told him that she doesn’t date (Islamic things). However, this guy would always say his main reason was to learn about Islam and so she had said that she felt bad just cutting him off for no reason. However, at the same time this guy was sending her money, expensive gifts, that she was accepting. Now, some of this may have been before we started talking, but some of this is after and what I’m about to get into is after we started talking. She told me that she started feeling guilty for thinking that “if I told this guy no, then why do I care what he send me” and said that cause of this guilt she started giving everything back or throwing it away. Now 3 weeks ago I had mentioned the weekend of August 30th in 2025 where she was barely replying and telling me she was with her friends and busy. I told her how upset I was that weekend (I had already brought this weekend up multiple times because I knew this weekend had something to do with that guy and I just wanted her to confess) which idk if it’s right or wrong. She finally confessed and had let up that she chose to see that guy that day and the guy had ended up telling her that he’s staying another day (she says she wasn’t sure if it was a hotel or his friends dorm/apt) but she told him why and to leave and that you can’t be here etc etc. she was obviously hurt and when I asked her why she didn’t ask me for help she says “this was lingering from my past and I wanted to get rid of this on my own bc it was my problem) and I didn’t know what to always say. I felt so extremely terrible when she told me she chose to hangout with him that second day too. However, even after thinking about that, I decided to let it go, completely. She then came to me 4 days ago and said while she was crying a lot that if I didn’t know the 100% truth from my past (which I don’t think is past because we had started speaking July 25th and most of this stuff took place in August) and I tell her that if we both confessed our feelings then why is it you hide things from me from that time time. She says she talked to a sheikh as well and that he tells her not to say anything to me bc we were in a haram relationship and that if she sees anything with me then she should hide it which I complexly disagree with bc we were talking at the time this happened and whatever happened before with this guy wasn’t my business. However she said would you be okay with you not knowing the 100% truth about that time and I eventually kind of said yes. Because this same week she had finally told her mom about us and we were trying to get a set time to maybe speak to her father. When she told her mother all this and said she had something lingering from the past leak into the present during that time her mom told her “you don’t owe this guy anything as there has been no nikkah” saying she doesn’t owe me any loyalty but it sucks because being in this haram relationship it feels like deserve it. However yesterday I couldn’t hold in the fact that my brain was thinking about what had she been talking about when she said 100% truth. After a huge conversation, she had told me that that weekend before the guy had left, he tried to kiss her and she froze but pushed him away as soon as he touched her lips. I told her if she initiate anything then that’s not her fault and that she shouldn’t have hid that. But she said that the guy thought it was normal between them or something because before she had started speaking to me, she didn’t say it fully but anyone can assume that before she had started speaking to me that she had kissed this guy and she told me that she was really guilty and repented as much as she could. So she thought that this leaking into the past was her own thing and she had repented and that this problem was hers to solve. But then I kept saying if she didn’t initiate anything then it’s not a problem and that she should’ve told me from the start before we started getting more serious in our haram relationship. Sounds so bad but that’s what it was. But she said that she had seen the guy willingly as well before she had moved to college and that me not knowing those details may not fall in to what I’m saying. Which my brain starts assuming things like, did she kiss him again? Were they hugging? Etc etc. like I said it all sucks more because we had also done these things being in a haram relationship has been one of the worst things in my life and I was always so against it. Her doing these things before me and after we had met and to her words (only been a month after us meeting and that nothing was serious at all) but I think differently because we had confessed our feelings. I feel so terrible bc it makes me think that I wasn’t the only one she ever kissed and as bad as that sounds it’s just my brain. I sound like a hypocrite saying that bc we also did it haram and that if we stop talking and the next guy might feel the same way. However what’s killing me most inside is the fact that this guy she had willingly met at least once more before going off to college because when he came to college that wasn’t her decision. She told me she would only ever have a spot for me in her heart and that she never even liked the guy and would only ever message him once in a whileeee. However, how am I supposed to get out of my mind these images of her with another guy in this kind of way? How am I supposed to move on from the fact that she said she had at least once more willingly met him after we started talking? And what had happened? To be completely fair, she has been and gives the true signs of being the best wife in the world. She meets all my criteria, she’s so mature, she’s everything I’ve ever wanted but does that first month define how I should proceed? Is she right about me not deserving to know and that maybe I should move past it? Ever since she’s told her mother I’ve been praying so much istikhara and just prayers in general (extra) and I feel like this is maybe Allah’s sign to let us restart the halal way and the best thing I can think of is that maybe I ask her for time which she said is completely fine and that she’d always wait for me but then sometimes I get trust issues that something like that may happen again and she reassures me saying that she’s not like that and at the time it was only the situation but she loves me a lot. It all sucks bc it’s not even about what happened during the month of August but the timing of it bc we had just started speaking. I need help and some serious help because idk if I should leave this great woman over this or let it go as if it wasn’t important. Parents make it so difficult for things to happen these days bc we’re young 19 years old. I’m bout to be 20 in a couple of months and she just turned 19. We’re young, I always thought she was young and it was a difficult time for her. However, our timelines match up so well to get married, our life plans, literally everything you can ever imagine were made for each other but how am I supposed to move past this or am I not? Is this something important? I need help.
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